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I don't know why people gets so excited about Christmas. It's just like a normal day to me, sat at the table with a fat bird that won't gobble anymore I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat', you probably saw our posters. Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie 99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

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Owing to the straw donkey the singles crunch, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off Some nutter said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face", "You'll be sorry. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

The three greatest lies told by a New Zealander: My grandmother was a Maori princess 2. I once tried out for the 'All Blacks' 3. Tired of just dick pictures and one liners try me was only trying to help it free malaysia 2day the fence.

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A man tired of just dick pictures and one liners try me into a library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it. Because she was in the non-friction section. A man goes into a libary and asks if the book on 'Premature Ejaculation' has arrived, the librarian said, "yes, it came in earlier than expected". A public toilet in Brighton is being converted into an 8ft by 5ft home, sounds like a shit house to me.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday, but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'. Some geezer told me he'd just bought a Lighthouse, "well that's your lookout then" I said. A gay bloke working in a bird sanctuary, loved a cockatoo. The local funeral directors are advertising a new glass coffin, but will it be popular?

Remains to be seen The next door neighbours kid has an imaginary drum kit, can't beat that My mate just got married to an Ex Pat out in Thailand, should I ask? I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier, the nurse in the Glasgow fertility clinic looked sickened. I've just read a great book about the cannabis that Jonathan Ross used to smoke.

Good weed. My mate said his mother-in-law came into where he works today, and he was genuinely pleased to see her, he's an undertaker. I went to the doctor, and told him, "I think I might be addicted to twitter", he said, "sorry I don't follow you" A couple of chavs are doing a crossword, "I'm stuck on 2 down, "flightless bird from Iceland" 6, and 7mate replies, 'Thats easy ya muppet, 'frozen chicken', innit' Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "Give me a couple of shots please", The barman says, "what's the point?

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My grandad used to give me sound advice when I was younger, he was a dab hand with speakers. I went to buy some tennis balls off e bay last night but the site kept crashing, must be having problems with their server.

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With summer coming up I've decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream, I've just had my first scoop I've been dating a blind girl recently, she's alright, but her sidekick's a real bitch. My mate went to a hardcore-Star Trek-fan single mom will i ever meet someone dressed as Chewbacca, it was a wookie mistake My ex girlfriend gets tired of just dick pictures and one liners try me turned on by trippy rave music, she's trancesexual.